I wear my losses like an ex-lovers t-shirt. I want to breathe in deeply and feel the memory next to me. The scars, the anger, the grief, they feel like the only tangible part of that person I have left to hold. 

What if I let those go? Then they’ll really be gone.

If I can’t hide behind the mask of my loss, you might see who I actually am; that’s a vulnerability I’m not always ready to face.

So I let it go in increments.

Slowly deconstructing the mosaic, one tile at a time.

I can’t just be a dad. That’s been my entire identity for a long time now. I push people away. I’ve made a conscious decision that if I’m going to feel lonely, I’d rather be alone. This is just a shield, not part of me.

I do not want to feel lonely, and I do not want to be alone.

It’s time to stop hiding. It’s time to give myself time and just be alive.