I write a lot about the darkest parts of my life: alcoholism, drug addiction, and my past struggles with suicidal ideation. I talk openly about being suicidal even in my early sobriety because it’s the truth, and I’m not one to hold back. However, I’ve been thinking all week about the fact that this page is now public, what that means, who sees it, and where they are emotionally or mentally. And I wonder. 

Obviously, I can’t control those factors, not if I want this to remain public, and certainly not unless I want to edit what I’ve written. Since I want this to stay public and I’m not going to change my story, the question remains: now what?

That is the same question this page started with ten years ago: now what?

I’m not a therapist, counselor, or healthcare professional of any kind, so I’m not qualified to tell anyone what to do. What I can tell you, however, is that I wish I had asked for help sooner. This page has been my outlet for a long time, and for years I skated by just by writing here and not talking to anyone else. But the truth is, I barely got by. I’m lucky to be here; I’m lucky to be alive.

I was terrified of what people would think of me if I asked for help. I was afraid I’d lose my job, my kids, or everything. That fear almost killed me. Had it not been for some extreme circumstances that forced me to get help, I wouldn’t be here to tell you this story today. 

I say all of this simply to say: if you’re struggling for any reason, tell someone.

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If you want to know more about how I ended up here doing what I do, maybe check out the book: Fragmented

~ Ryan