The big questions go unanswered because the big questions go unspoken. This is the pervasive thought that’s occupied my mind today. What do I think but never say? What am I afraid to whisper outside the dark confines of my mind? I’ve spent most of my life looking for answers to questions I’ve never heard others asking. So, I do not ask them out loud either.

The past two years, I’ve done more soul-searching than I ever dreamed possible; divorce will do that to you. I’ve learned that some of the big questions do not have a static answer. Every day and sometimes every moment, I have to ask myself: Who do I want to be? What type of father do I want to be? What type of fiancé do I want to be? What type of employee do I want to be? What do I want my kids to remember about me when I’m gone?

There’s been no single defining moment, no flash of light on my road to Damascus. Just a long series of singular events that have forever altered my view of the world around me and my answers to these questions. I’ve heard people talk about how, when their first child was born, everything changed for them in that moment and they “knew.” Or when they met their spouse, or a loved one died. 

When I hear these stories, I think several things, depending on the day. Sometimes I think, “What the hell is wrong with me? That was not my experience.” Other times I think, “You’re so full of shit.” Most often ‌of late, however, I think, “How sad that your perspective has never evolved.”

As a species, we talk a lot about evolution; we talk about the importance of an open mind and heart. We tout the virtues of understanding and acceptance, and we do it all with a staggering, hypocritical vigor. I’ve seen and met precious few people who can change their minds on any subject, let alone a belief. I’ll be the first to admit it’s not an easy thing to do. If you think you’re not egotistical or prejudiced, try immersing yourself in a diametrical point of view.

My sarcasm hides my heart’s desire to live extemporaneously. I come off more jaded and predisposed than I am. All I really want, and I’ve ever really wanted to know, is the truth about anything and everything. I’m not a man of blind faith. I wanted to be. I wanted to be that more than anything. But that’s never been who I am. I’ve always been a little jealous of people who are. I see the comfort they take in their beliefs. I’ve never believed anything. Never enough to take solace in it.

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If you want to know more about how I ended up here doing what I do, maybe check out the book: Fragmented

~ Ryan