Unpopular opinion, but it’s one I’m adamant about. Children are not the priority in a family. Your spouse/partner is.

Don’t misunderstand me. It’s a photo-finish race most days, and those lines are blurred as they should be.

I have four children: two from a previous marriage and two younger ones from my current marriage. I’m not going to dissect my previous marriage; it’s been over for a long time. We are friends, and honestly, I couldn’t do this life without her help sometimes. But what I am going to say is that I’ve learned a few things from my failures. That’s the issue of a society where everyone wins. There’s immense value in failure, in being broken and realizing you were wrong.

I’ve learned that I wasn’t the best parent to my older kids when they were little. I had a short fuse. I was in a bad mood, and frequently drunk. And I was usually gone. I never abused them, but I taught them to leave me alone. I’m not sure I’ll ever live long enough to overcome that. They still love me, but there’s a gap there, and I created it.

I’ve also learned that I wasn’t half the husband I thought I was. I had an inability to see where I was at fault. I was cold when “my needs”, as I saw them, were not met. When all of my thinking centered on“it’s all about me,” I was rarely my wife’s advocate. But frequently her accuser.

Fast forward 8 years and now I’m perfect, no, wait that’s not right either. But I’m trying today, and I hope I’m doing better.

Having four kids, ‌13, 11, 2 ½, and 5-month-old has brought the past into focus for me. But more than that, it made me appreciate how short this ride is.

What happens when the kids are grown? God willing, as the saying goes, I hope I’m still alive. But I hope for more than that. I hope I’m still married to this wife. Not because she’s perfect, spoiler alert, she’s not. But I’ve clearly stated I’m not either, so I’m not throwing any stones here. But we are perfect when we choose each other. We are perfect when one of us is down and the other steps in without being asked. This life is challenging sometimes, to say the least. But it’s a good ride with the right company.

Being married has almost nothing to do with being blissfully happy. But it has a lot to do with what you do when you’re not.

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If you want to know more about how I ended up here doing what I do, maybe check out the book: Fragmented

~ Ryan