Gratitude

This life is better than I deserved. I’m not sure any of us deserve anything, really; we just have at it. It’s the “having at it” that I actively avoided for a long time.

I don’t talk about it often, and I’m not sure why I would, but my life has had more than its fair share of ups and downs. I never expected I’d have much, and I never really wanted much anyway—just enough to not worry, and for no one in my home to go to bed hungry unless they wanted to. But honestly, I never thought I’d have that either: a home. I never thought I’d have kids. I never thought I’d live past twenty-five.

In some ways, I did die at twenty-five. I died on January 6, 2004, the moment I found out Stacy died. I woke up for just a moment on June 1, 2010, walking out of the hospital after Ian was born, and I freaked out when I realized what year it was. I didn’t handle that realization well; I disappeared back into my head for almost another eight years. Then, I woke up walking out of a jail cell on February 18, 2018, and this time, there was no going back under.

I now have four amazing children, a happy home, and a wonderful wife. We have our moments, but we laugh more than we cry, and I think that’s as good as it gets. We’re not getting ahead, but we are not falling behind. I have a job that’s better than I ever hoped for; I’m not even sure I’m qualified for it, but they seem to like me. I have a host of friends—we don’t talk or see each other as often as I might like, but they are there, and so am I when we can be. I’ve taken the longest possible route to get where I’m at, but I don’t know how else a guy like me could have done it.

I wanted to die for so long it just seemed like the norm; I didn’t know there was another way to live. I no longer want to die, but I know now that I’ve done the best I can to clean up my side of the street for when I do someday. I know I’ve finally lived; I’ve finally found some peace in this world.

I’ve had some health scares over the last couple of years, but most days I go to the gym, and I try. I have this constant thought: “This might kill me, but at least I’ll die trying to get better.” They told me that gratitude is an action, and I’m so grateful I get to try today.