Not a Cult

I’m thinking about starting a commune. It’s mainly for financial reasons—nothing too “cultish.”

I mean, you will have to call me “His Holiness,” but not because I’m morally pure; it’s just because my clothes have holes in them and I can’t afford new ones in this economy. There will be a “Donation Plate,” of course. It’s not a tithe; it’s a “Voluntary Contribution to His Holiness’s Garment Renovation Fund.” Also, it’s mandatory.

Yes, there will be communal chores. However, instead of farming, everyone will be tasked with coupon clipping, extreme bargain hunting, or perhaps dumpster diving for “reusable resources.”

All communication with me, His Holiness, will be strictly via “Sacred Text” messages during regular business hours. This may be a commune, but seriously: personal space.

Our communal diet will consist of ramen noodles supplemented by “stuff we found on sale.” Once you grow accustomed to it, I think you will really enjoy it. Just remember: desperation is the best spice. Since His Holiness is a non-devout pescatarian, the ramen diet will not apply to him.

It’s important that you remember: this is Definitely-Not-A-Cult. You aren’t “broke”; you are depriving yourselves and mindfully minimizing. You’re reducing your carbon footprint and making the world a better place.

One ramen packet at a time.