This present darkness

There is a deep and unshakable sadness in me. It’s there even though I’m happy, it’s there even though I’m in love. It’s there when I’m peaceful and awake and it visits me in my dreams. It’s warm like a blanket, the cloak of loss that hides me from you and you from me. It’s not my shadow, it is present in the dark, it’s part of who I am. It’s a deep and abiding knowledge that all things pass away, it’s my fear screaming, “Bring on the end I’m tired of looking for you.” It’s become my place of solace, something and someplace that exists only to me. It is my journey of grief.